all over the place...

alright... saw the specialist for bronchoscopy biopsy... got the call, it's not cancer!!! happy dance! but no answer on what it is... they are leaning toward damage done by interferon to an already weak organ... see, i was born with lung issues... had childhood asthma... then spent many years polluting my lungs... so i am to see a pulmonary specialist, get a cat scan and go from there... so we made a huge decision for our family... we are leaving beautiful southern california, my home, to restart in TX... hubby has family there... md anderson is there should i need them... life is so much cheaper there... so many reasons... but such a hard decision... but i am hoping i can find more continuity of care there... see, here its a gamble every drs appt... some are great, like dr. s... some are not, like my primary care clinic where i NEVER see the same dr twice... i have so much more to say... but no time right now... but am hoping in TX where its cheaper to be able to return to this blog completely... so for now i am taking another break... but hope to return soon after the first of the year...

distractions...

i know i disappeared for awhile... sorry. but i haven't had home internet in quite some time... and to be honest i felt like i had nothing new to share... same old complaining... until i got thrown a curveball last friday... my pet/ct scan showed junk on my lungs... now i need to have a bronchioscope ultrasound/biopsy within 10 days according to dr. S... i had a feeling that something showed... then when they called and asked me to come in earlier... driving there we hit traffic 2 exits from our destination... took 30 mins to get to our exit... all this time that feeling that something was wrong just kept increasing... and when the nurse took my oxygen reading, it was low, and didn't try to redo the reading... all brought me to when dr. S broke the news. alot of years i spent polluting my lungs... so i am very concerned about this procedure. actually, i am more nervous about the results of this test than anything... never thought i would hope for a respiratory infection, but here i am... and when dr. S told me to be the "squeeky wheel" with my insurance company i doubt she realized that would begin with her own staff... don't tell me to be the "squeeky wheel" on a friday before a 3 day weekend... because i will... and the office staff didn't appreciate that much. too bad. the quicker i get an answer the less distractions i need to occupy my time... my kitchen sparkles... and my bedroom has carpet, not dirty laundry all over the floor... and today i am babysitting... anything i can to attempt to distract myself from letting my mind get carried away... at this point i am waiting... for insurance approval... for scheduling, then procedure... and finally results. supposed to follow up with dr. S on friday the 22nd... will know more then... will update as soon as i am able to after that... just wanted to post while i had internet access...

Scattered...

i know i disappeared for awhile... sorry.  i kinda figured i have complained enough about interferon... and if i didn't have anything new to say i stayed quiet... then i had something new happen and i stayed quiet... then the melanoma community lost an amazing warrior... so here i am again.

let me start with the new thing that happened... after a shot i had a large swelled up bruise in the location of the injection... turns out it was a cellulitis... and i think wikipedia explains better than i do...
Cellulitis is a localized or diffuse inflammation of connective tissue with severe inflammation of dermal and subcutaneous layers of the skin. Cellulitis can be caused by normal skin flora or by exogenous bacteria, and often occurs where the skin has previously been broken: cracks in the skin, cuts, blisters, burns, insect bites, surgical wounds, intravenous drug injection or sites of intravenous catheter insertion. Skin on the face or lower legs is most commonly affected by this infection, though cellulitis can occur on any part of the body. The mainstay of therapy remains treatment with appropriate antibiotics, and recovery periods last from 48 hours to six months. 
i was very fortunate that i was immediately put on antibiotics and it went away-ish... i don't have that particular infection anymore... but have since noticed that now my injections cause a rash.  i am just grateful they haven't been bruising up, that was really scary. 

i am also dealing with insurance issues... and a few other stresses that made me go underground for awhile... i know writing this helps me process everything, but i lost sight of that recently.  i felt like all i was doing was being whiny... ya know they warn you interferon will affect your emotions... but i didn't realize how much until recently.  i have 2 little people, and i thought pregnancy was an emotional time... but in comparison i was a rock then. 

that brings me to the loss of another amazing warrior... as part of an online melanoma community it is hard to hear about the loss of another melanoma warrior... but some are harder to hear about than others... maybe its more similar personalities... maybe its similar family dynamics... whatever it is- some news is harder to hear than others.  unfortunately we have lost a few warriors recently... maybe it was all that added together... i don't know.  but all this loss has got me sitting here typing again... in hopes that i don't just help myself, but others...

sorry if this post is hard to follow... i feel kinda scattered recently... and i have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow... will try to post more regularly...

yuk...

feeling gross... had my shot late yesterday... it was my little man's fieldtrip to the zoo... he had a fantastic time.  my hubby went as a chaperone... wish i could have, but my energy level would not have kept up with 3 kindergarten boys... and since my hubby gives me my shot it waited... i've already known that the later in the day i do the shot, the worse i feel the next day... but some things are worth sacrifice for our little people.

i know its been awhile since i posted... sorry... but i honestly havent felt like i have anything new to share.  i really dont want to be taking the interferon anymore... i am tired of feeling like crap...

Home Shots...

last friday was my first at home injection... mondays i still go to the cancer center for labs so they will continue to give me monday shots... and last wednesday i brought my hubby with me so he could learn to administer them... then friday was our first.  we experienced some technical difficulties... apparently the center forgot to tell my hubby to use the larger gauge needle to draw the shot, then switch to the smaller gauge to give the shot. 

not to mention we all overslept on friday... so my hubby had to dread giving me the injection all morning at work.  not good.  i think its bad dreading the shot period... but my hubby, like myself, hate needles... yet he is willing to do anything for me... it may have taken a little longer than should, but we got it done...

i have mentioned my past a little in previous posts... i used to party hard... gave that up in 2005.  but to some of you you might consider me off the wagon after i discuss this next issue... i am a medical marijuana patient.  i was taking zofran, and compazene for my nausea at first when my chemo started... i realized they only seemed to make my nausea worse... to the point where i was so nauseaus my back would begin to hurt, almost like back labor pains... so very painful.  then a friend of mine talked to a friend of theirs who is highly involved advocate for medical marijuana... they said to find certain strains- those were the ones in the purple and lavender families... said they are the best for chemo and helping with nausea and appetite (in my first month of high dose i lost nearly 20 lbs)... oh the difference a joint made... no more back labor pains... and i could actually eat again...

now my only issue is the medicine is doing its job... breaking down my immune system... i have had an awful cough for almost a month now... can't seem to shake it.  drs say to try using a vaporizer for my medical marijuana... i did, but then all i taste is the plastic tubes from the vape... i would eat it, but that gets pretty expensive... and since it is an election year all the medical dispensaries are currently shut down.  if they were still open i could continue to discuss compassionate care with them... basically meaning that they help patients like myself with either extreme discounts or for free.  but like i mentioned its an election year... so the federal government ignored our presidents wishes to allow states to choose for themselves... 

i am actually having more issues with the interferon... but now that i can eat again they seem so small... i still experience the chills/fevers after a shot... but fortunately thats only 3 times a week now... not everyday.  i also get very bad joint pains... mostly in my hips and legs... but i have gotten joint pains in my hips since i had little man, and they got worse after having princess... now they are just way more intense and radiate down my legs.  when i first told the cancer center they tried to prescribe me demerol... i refused it.  in my past i had issue with narcotics, and demerol is no joke of a narcotic... so i only smoke to get through the pains.  and it does help, but if anyone can think of any other more homeopathic ways to control the pain i am all for hearing them...

oh, and on the day of my first home shot my hubby noticed a bald spot.  i was sitting in front of him at the time... i immediately went to the mirror to try and see it... that didnt work because of where it is located... so i made my hubby take a pic so i could see what he was talking about... almost like i didnt believe him.  so as he took said pic he reminded me he has often seen the back of my head... but never a bald spot, until then.  i knew i was losing some hair.... but i was hoping for it to just thin some.  apparently i am not so lucky.  but for now its only one spot... but if i get too many i will go for the g.i. jane look... then get a wig... i will try being a redhead because i have always wondered what i would look like with red hair.  i never wanted to dye it because of all those chemicals.

sorry this post took so long to get to... i still want to get the word out... its just hard while doing treatment.  hopefully we get used to this home shot stuff soon... then i hope to get back to posting more often.

Week 4...

my arm hurts so this will be a short post... but i wanted to let you all know i made it through 4 weeks of high dose infusions daily... monday will be a shot instead of infusion... then wednesday and friday too... i just don't know if i will get shots at the cancer center, or do those myself... i won't find out until monday. 

Week 3 Complete...

this was a rough week for me... after treatment on monday i ended up with an awful headache... the physian assistant for chemo said it was probably a migraine... and it lasted 3 days... but thursday it wasn't there when i woke up... and friday was a better day too.  i have to be really cautious to stay hydrated... and it is difficult... i drink about a gallon of water a day now... and i still get dehydrated.

that didn't stop me from going out today tho... it was a gorgeous day... and there was an event for little man's school.  we went for about an hour and a half... basically just long enough to have lunch so the proceeds would go to the kids' school... and for the little people to get crazy amped up... 

we also tried to take those crazy children to the store... but we ended up leaving early because i don't have the energy or the patience i used to... i even had to take a break on a random empty bottom shelf in the store... an older lady offered me assistance... i explained i was just tired.... but there was alot of concern in her face so i briefly explained "i am in chemo monday through friday... my energy just isn't what it used to be."

i have one more week of daily infusions at the cancer center... then it is on to self injections for the next 11 months... they are sub cutaneous shots so i have been told they go someplace fleshy... i have plenty of cushion so it shouldn't be too awful... it's just the idea of giving them to myself that is wicked scary...

week 2 done

i am  halfway through my first month of interferon... still no internet at home... that should be back on late next week... and i will write more then... just wanted you to know i am alright

Friday the 13th...

friday the 13th and the last day of my first week of interferon.  my iv cocktail infusion has been making me super tired.  i got home from my cancer center around 1pm then slept til almost 5pm.

to be honest i am still kinda out of it.  i just wanted everyone to know i am ok.  i will write more another time.

Day 3...

i just came from my third infusion... day 1 was monday the 9th... they had to do lab work first... then saline drip connected to my picc line... then 3 more little iv bags- 1 was for nausea, one was for pain, and one was benadryl... i had never knowingly had benadryl before and told my nurse... she said it will go one of two ways- it would either knock me out... or it would give me restless legs... but before she could get that last sentence out my legs were jumping all over the place... so she gave me something for that too... then the interferon after all that... so i was kinda out of it on day 1.  i ended up sleeping most of the day away.

day 2 seemed to be much better at first... my iv cocktail was only the saline, half the amount of benadryl, and the interferon.  i felt great after the infusion... i had energy and wasnt all groggy... until early afternoon i noticed my hip was hurting again... i took a tylenol, it kinda helped... but within the hour i was getting the chills.  i ended up under 3 large quilts... with a space heater aimed at me... it wasnt warming me so my hubby came home early to take care of me... once he got me warmed up i fell asleep.   when i woke back up i was dehydrated and feverish... took more tylenol and tried to eat... not the greatest idea... but i tried.

day 3 just finished my infusion about an hour ago... so far i feel fine, but i learned yesterday that doesnt mean much...  i just wanted to update everyone on how things are so far...

Just My Luck...

picc line was inserted yesterday... my hubby drove me... that is both fantastic and frustrating... he is not patient when at a drs office or similar... especially if they provide free coffee in their lobby... or if they go more than half an hour over a scheduled appointment... and yesterday was 1 1/2 hrs after my scheduled time.

after i was given a gown, changed, then brought to procedure room... my hubby calmed as i was changing... thank goodness he did or i might have ended up running away after you hear what happened next... the nurse called 911 to rush the person who was ahead of me to the hospital.  fortunately my hubby was in good spirits at this point and started cracking jokes to keep me mellow.

there was some question over why a picc line and not a port for treatment... i am hoping to have a better idea monday.  but i believe picc line was prefered because the first month of interferon is daily infusions.  i do know they placed the picc line in my dominant arm... the non dominant arm has a severely atypical mole that will be getting cut out.  i am hoping my arm will feel normal again once this thing heals...

MIA...

sorry i have been MIA... i wasnt trying to be... but first my comp had 123 viruses... and then we let the internet bill lapse to make a better christmas for the little people.  not sure when i will be back online since the bill is part of a bundle... but i will be back.  i go in thursday to have a PIC line inserted... then start interferon on the 9th.  i am not looking forward to it, but i am doing it...

i hope the holidays were pleasant for all... i know i discovered another warrior lost her battle just before the new year... the silver lining is she was able to spend christmas with her family... just didnt make the new year... randi will be greatly missed.  she was an inspiration to me and many others.  my thoughts and prayers go out to her family and friends...

i was also trying to stack my luck for this new year... i have heard if you eat black eyed peas on new years day then you will have a good year... the last time i tried this was 2006... and that was the year my son was born, and i married my soul mate.  since hindsight is 20/20 i see that was a really good year... and even if i didnt like the taste of em... i shoveled as many black eyed peas as i could stand... 2011 was a mixed year- some good, some bad... but i gave in to my superstitious side this new years and tried to stack a little luck to make this year a good one... i know it sounds a little crazy... but if you knew me then you knew i was already a little crazy... then a cancer diagnosis.  i am just happy 2011 didnt bring me a rubber room... but i am learning i have more strength than i knew i had...

i will try not to be absent so long before my next post... i want to be able to share my experience on interferon... since that starts next week i will try to pop in at some point and update... 

Unexpected Day...

i have been feeling pretty weak emotionally... not sure i could make the choices i need to make... basically feeling super overwhelmed.  then today comes along and shakes everything up again... but for the better.  i had seen a post on one of the melanoma bulletin boards i look to for answers... it was for Cancer 101, and a planner they sell (for $20) that they personalize to your specific cancer.  they also work with you if you are unable to afford the cost.  their site was http://www.cancer101.org/.   i called and asked about the melanoma planner to be told that it was temporarily out of stock, but would be mailed to me in 4-6 wks.  i think that was maybe 2 wks ago... and i got the planner today.  it is really awesome! so full of info, resources, and charts to track treatment or symptoms.  i am really impressed.  they also sent an accordion file organizer with tabs for pathology/test results, research, patient education materials, and more... 

"pretend" sent me an early text saying she admired me for making these difficult decisions, and basically just surviving all these changes recently.  then she went on to blog about it too.  it was so hard to read through the waterworks pouring out of my eyes.  but i really needed to hear everything she said.  i suppose that is how people end up becoming close friends when they know without you ever having to say.  its kinda funny we rarely talk on weekends anymore because we are both wives and mothers... but for whatever reason this particular morning we did... and i needed to hear everything she said... i was beginning to doubt myself, and my strength to make important choices...

yesterday, my hubby and i were being very snappy with eachother... which any married person will tell you is very normal every once in awhile.  but today we were able to work past that and actually not be irritated with each other.  honestly, there are some days there is nothing you can do without consistently rubbing each other raw... so today to be such a polar opposite is very nice.  those days aren't always so easily worked through. 

and the cherry on my saturday morning/afternoon-ish time... my dad randomly called and said get the kids ready and he will take them to the park.  the kids love their granparents, so they were very excited at this idea... a little bummed nana wasn't coming (or working on dolls, i think that would have been acceptable to them).  that is how i am actually able to blog in the middle of the day on a weekend. 

i have gotten so used to my unexpected days being all bad news i kinda forgot they can be all positive too.  and it was nice to have that reminder when it was so desperately needed.  thanks again "pretend" i don't think i can thank you enough for your encouragement and support, even from 3,000 miles away!!!

OCD...

Obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear, or worry, by repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety, or by a combination of such obsessions and compulsions.  thanks to wikipedia for the definition.  this post is for papa "pretend"... he has been reading my blog and discussing it with "pretend".  after reading my last post he said i seemed slightly ocd about treatments... and he is 100% correct.  i find myself sitting at this computer researching my options almost non stop... i know this cant be good for me... i just cant seem to get past it.

in fact... my first name begins with a d... so maybe i dont have a disorder, i am just obsessive compulsive me.  when i was 16 yrs old i worked a bagel shop as a sandwich maker... this company's name tags said "totally completely obsessed" and then your name with a little icon of a bagel baker.  my parents thought this was hysterical... and swore they must have known me to put that on my name tag... i insisted it was on everyone's name tags... my parents persisted with their harrassment by saying "yeah, uh-huh... sure they do".
so you can see this diagnosis is not the first my ocd has flaired up... but honestly, if you dont know me well you might assume it is. 

back to my obsession- treatment options... i was so dead set against interferon... but it seems to be my only option besides watch and wait.  it frustrates me that this disease is as sneaky as it is... my dr tells me i am stage 3b with high chance of recurrence... but also that i am ned (no evidence of disease).  unfortunately this particular cancer can be dormant in your body until it decides to attack... so those scans didnt show anything, but that doesnt mean its not there... its like it has internal organ camouflage... wth.  so i could watch and wait because as of now i seem disease free... or i can agree to a year of interferon.  and dr s had a valid opinion saying that i am relatively healthy now, so this is the best time for me to try interferon as an option while strong enough to combat the side effects.  not to mention i have every reason to fight.

at this point, i cant believe im saying this, but i think i am going to agree to interferon... i figure now is the time to try it... instead of after this disease decides to come alive inside me and i am already sick.  besides, i figure if i lose weight as a side effect i am alright with that... i have seen patients lose average 20 - 30lbs in the first month of being on interferon.  and that puts me at my goal weight.  not the best way to lose it... but once its gone it will be easier to keep off.  i know it sounds kinda morbid, but hey, thats my silver lining for now...

i was hoping to be part of a study for stage 3 patients that tested ipi vs. interferon... but i found the treatment center doing the study does not take my insurance.  i thought these trials were covered because they are using you as a guinea pig... apparently i was wrong.  and that really upset me.  i thought trials were to find a cure, or at least more research towards said cure.  aparently not... they bill your insurance, then profit off the research you made possible... disgusting.  why do they get to double pad their wallets at someone else's misery?  i was anxious about the trial because i wanted to help... at least then whatever i put myself through in the name of treatment could benefit others in my position... to find that the trial too is part of the greed machine...

thanks papa "pretend" for the topic idea... and thanks everyone else reading this too.  i just hope my ocd, and crazy ramblings help others too.  and i really appreciate the feedback you guys have given me over the past few months.

Decisions...

that used to be a philosophy i subscribed to... and i still tell those stories from time to time... but its because i learned from them.  and i am all for anything i learn from.  which brings me to what is on my mind now... i saw my oncologist on thursday.  dr. s wants me to meet with the surgeon dr. b to discuss a lymph dissection... i will see him next wed.  but dr. s also wants me to do a year of interferon... she says because of my age, family, and stage of disease that she feels it is the best course of action for me.  she had once mentioned a new way they infuse the interferon during one of our previous meetings... but when i asked about it this time she said she would rather i "stick with the tried and true method." 

that confuses me greatly... "tried and true method"? the same method i keep reading about how hellish it is... hmmm... its easy for the dr to say this, she isnt the patient... she states i may just feel like i have the flu the whole time i am on the interferon... then there is a trial being done near me... its actually closer than the cancer center i currently go to... but the trial is for interferon vs ipi.  i have read great things about ipi.  but i could still end taking interferon... and if i did, i wouldnt be able to choose to stop if i felt it was necessary... i would be at the studies mercy... i wouldnt want to drop out and potentially harm a study needed to advance in melanoma research.  not to mention i would need to decide asap... apparently if i decided to avoid surgery and go with the trial i would need to start treatment by december 28th... my follow up with dr. s when she expects a decision is december 29th.

also on thursday was my son's first ever field trip... i attempted to be there for it... and i was able to walk with his class from the school to the christmas tree... i was even able to hang out while they waited their turn to add their handmade ornaments to the tree, and see santa.  i was almost able to do it all... but not quite... i had to leave when they were the next class up to make it to my drs appt.  but my dad was able to fill in for my hubby and i.  he made sure he even got pics for me.  little man was pleased i tried my best to do both, but ultimately understands i had to talk to my dr.  and princess was pleased because she also got to sit with santa. 

in the end, i know the choice is mine... but so many things factor in as a wife and mother.  my hubby is the kind of person who was raised to not question drs... and i was raised to be informed about my decisions... usually meaning to have a ton of questions and not minding if i bothered the dr by making them explain, after all it is part of their job.  my little people are 3 1/2 & 5 yrs old.  so being sick for a year will be very difficult while princess is still with me basically 24/7.  so i am leaning towards not wanting interferon, like i have already stated in previous posts... but at the same time dr s brought up a very valid point- with my age, health, stage, and family it would be a decent decision.  so i have alot to think about right now.

Something to Remember...

i know when you have alot to stress about this is harder to remember... but it is so true.  i have put myself into alot of bad situations in my life... but i am thankful for each them because i learned from them... including this damn disease.  i have heard it alot in the melanoma community... or any cancer community really... this disease gives you a new outlook on everything.  you find yourself getting irrate reading everyday posts on facebook where people are whining about the little things... i kinda feel like this disease blessed me with the wisdom of an 80 yr old woman that has learned what is truley important to her, and embraced it.  seriously, i get irrate at those mundane posts too... but then i find myself thankful for them because they remind me i know what i want in life now.  so i get frustrated by them less, and less...  think about telling an older woman bad news... they handle it well... and its not that they aren't upset by it... its like life has calloused them to hearing bad news... and the lucky ones have used that to learned to be thankful for everything that brought them to that point- the good and the bad...

i am lucky to have the family that i do... and the friends that over the years have become family.  especially my amazing hubby! he makes me speechless... we have been together since june 05 and he still gives me butterflies... he is so strong, and i wasnt when we met... i feel like his strength has just kinda worn off onto me... just by being with him i am stronger.  and i am human... so usually i show that by arguing with him.  sorry baby... it seems like every holiday we just want everything to be perfect so we argue.  he is the one who cooks for everything... i have only cooked for 1 holiday.  i know most women arent blessed with a husband who cooks anything for them, nevermind nearly everything!  at one point, the kids would not eat anything i made for dinner, or any meal really.  but if he made the same thing the kids would eat seconds... it was very frustrating, but i am so lucky those were my frustrations then. 

princess and little man spent the night with my parents last night... they will be returning home in time for thanksgiving dinner.  i am thankful that my parents help as much as they do! i have always heard "it takes a village to raise a child."  i agree, and am so thankful others in my life do too.  the kids love having nana and paw paw so active in their lives.  and it is very helpful to my hubby and me.  my hubby is a very involved parent, but he does work alot... so its nice to have back up when daddy is out earning to keep the roof over our heads.  and the little people i am so thankful for!!! i never thought i wanted kids when i was a younger adult... then i met my hubby... and i knew he would make an amazing dad, and help make me an amazing mom... not to brag, but i was right ;)

i am thankful for the friends that became family over the years.  i can call them up being a raving lunatic and they understand... and they help to calm me down.  i recently watched an episode of gilmore girls that showed the main characters best friend completely freaking out about her baby being past due... it was hysterical! and it made me think of a few of my friends that have been there for me when i was being insane... i am lucky to have them.  probably my closest friend is actually the farthest away... we will refer to her as "pretend" because princess always blames "pretend" for anything thats going to get her in trouble.  then we have auntie tiger here... but she is crazy busy with 2 jobs and life... when we do get time to catch up its like no time has lapsed since we last talked... and a couple other friends also back east that i miss dearly.  so many friends i am thankful for.

try not to lose sight of the spirit of this holiday all year long... i think that is the statement was i was fumbling on earlier... when i was rambling about an old lady.  i figure if you read this far maybe i should clarify that was what i was trying to say earlier.  and on that note... i am going to see how long it takes to get kicked outta my hubbys kitchen...  happy turkey day!!!

Bipolar...

i am feeling a little bipolar right now... i am a gemini- the twins... very fitting.  i certainly feel like different people at different times... maybe i am thinking of schizophrenia and not astrology... nah, i am sticking with the twin thing. :)

today i had my first PET/CT scan & my first MRI... lucky me.  i had to fast for one of the tests... to be honest, right now i cant remember which one.  its been a long day... back to the testing- the pet/ct scan is kinda like a geographic map of me... the technician said they scan my entire body, and the dye should locate any cancer... this was actually the last test i did today.  the first was a mri-wo-w (thats how it was written on their forms- i couldnt stop thinking that wow was ironic... even tho i knew it was intended as without contrast then with).  but they performed the mri on my brain to make sure it is cancer free.  and that machine is noisy! but since i grew up in a beach/bar town in san diego i have learned to relax even with loud obnoxious noises around me... a trick that came in handy in that machine... at one point it sounded like it was saying "twirly" over and over again... another (keep in mind i just finished school for motorcycle mechanics) it sounded like a loose cam chain, then valve float... oh! i almost forgot the best part about that noisy machine... since they were scanning my brain they strap my head in... i am not claustrophobic, but plastic mask-ish thing inches from my strapped in head was a little odd.  not to mention the fun of being stuck, not once, but both tests... and the mri "stuff" they injected tasted metallic and gross... the pet/ct "stuff" stunk like acetone (nail polish remover)... both techs said most people dont notice those pleasant side effects.  why am i always one of the lucky ones?

since next week is thanksgiving i have to wait til the week after to follow up with my dr.  that is when we will discuss treatment options... so far the only thing she has mentioned is interferon.  i dont like that idea.  but i guess we will see once we have these results.  maybe i am fortunate and they removed the mets when it was discovered... and that is the glimmer of hope i am trying to grasp onto right now.  the wait is gonna be rough tho... i hate not knowing- always have. 

then there is the bipolar feelings about that group Girl Talk... i wrote about in previous post by same name.  i really, really want to talk with them... but they meet thursdays at lunch.  my hubby works with my sons class kinder-garden at that time.  and i kinda want to know what is going on before talking with them.  it is just proving to be such a challenge right now... very frustrating because i see this as a chance to help spread the word, i just cant seem to actualize it now. 

back to the treatment ideas... i was talking to auntie tiger about everything (as usual)... of course treatment was one of the topics... and i told her i would rather agree to be a guinea pig for a trial than choose something i already know doesnt have the greatest track record and WILL make me sick.  i hadnt been able to put that into words prior to that conversation.  again, it doesnt matter right now... i need to wait for scan results in about 2 wks before we discuss any treatment.... have i mentioned how i hate waiting? :)

half the time i know i am repeating myself... the other half, please just bare with me... i wasnt exactly all here to begin with, but stress is not helping.  i get stress headaches, always have... but that is one reason the brain scan.  the other reason, is memory loss... but stress does that too - you obsess on, or freak out about something and everything else gets lost... i used to be so good with numbers, i could always remember appts, dates, phone, numbers, etc... now, ha! no more...

to me its crazy how everything is so cyclical... and by that, i mean these scans are just a portion of this journey so far... but a necessary step to move along to the next step... to me, that is cyclical because it feels never ending... and if i think circles, i think infinity... i think of the way my mind works in the first place.  alright, i think i am repeating myself again... time to go to bed for tonight...

Exercise...

yesterday i went to the health food store... i always thought i ate pretty healthy.  i was a vegetarian for a decade... from 16 yrs old - 26 yrs old.  then i got pregnant with my little man.  we actually knew i was prego when my hubby, at that time my honey, asked "what do you want for dinner?" my response was "pork chops" and about 11 different side veggie side dishes... and since i hadn't wanted meat in so long it was a dead give away.  so even when i began eating meat again because my body was craving it i still was very cautious about what i ate.  i added a ton of white meat to my diet, but still very little red meat.

so shopping yesterday was an eye opening experience... i thought i ate healthy before... but since i have researched melanoma, and cancer in general, i have read about lots of foods that are better for me.  i bought most of them.  tons of fruits and veggies.  i even bought some naked juices... and i dont even like them, or at least i didnt when i tried them years ago.  i read somewhere pomegranates are really good for me... i dont like em, but i bought em... i am hoping to start juicing... my mom says she has a juicer.  and anyone reading this with some good recipes please comment with them.  i need direction... and since most people willing to give direction also want money i am trying to figure this out on my own... or with the help of you all.

beside the dietary changes i am also trying to make other lifestyle changes... but i have never excersiced for the sake of excersicing.  i was always an outdoor person.  i loved to go hiking... and i used to bicycle everywhere, including to and from work (4.44 miles one way) for about a year.  now i am afraid to go out during peak sun hours... so i am trying to figure out what i can do to get back into shape.  my little man just got a wii for his birthday this year... i was using it alot before surgery... but since they sliced both underarms i haven't found any motivation to try it again.  i am hoping to start that soon, and maybe even upgrade from just wii sports to actually using wii fit.  the only problem with that is we dont own a wii fit... but i have a friend who does, and i am hoping to borrow it.

this is my newest scar... since the resection.  i didnt get pics of the snlb sites yet,

i have been waiting til they heal more.

any suggestions on juicing or indoor excersize would be amazing... i need guidance... in the meantime, i make due by aimlessly looking all over the internet.  so far i think i am doing my best to make these changes... but if anyone can help with some motivation or ideas it is appreciated... thanks in advance... as you can see i have good reason for wanting indoor options for excersize.

Anger...

i woke up this morning... and i am not a morning person to begin with... i am still exhausted from halloween.  so i am even more cranky than usual... the morning did not go well in my house.  and that just seems to flavor the day...

my hubby has started his new job, been there about a month... right after he started one of his co-workers got hit by a car.  so my honey has been working crazy hours again... we thought that would stop when he changed jobs, but it didnt exactly work out that way.  he is feeling "overworked", for lack of a better description... don't get me wrong, we need the money... and he is very aware of that, and willing to do everything in his power to change it... but i think that is the real stress stretching him so thin.  since we got together in the first place we have been struggling... first it was my dui that strained us financially, then he injured his back at work... and so many more reasons since then.  needless to say, my cancer diagnosis didn't relieve any stress... financial or otherwise.

we have 2 small kids... princess is 3 1/2 yrs old... little man is 5 yrs old.  anyone with kids knows that they are still at an age that they are very reliant on mom & dad.  which is difficult on any relationship... especially one with other contributing factors to the stress level.  my mom is our usual babysitter... but she has been having health issues also.  not only is she dealing with her heart issues, she has had shingles... so, not only have we been craving normal kid free time, but just any kid free time.  i had to go to my onc, dr s, alone... which i have been doing all along, but i wasnt stage 3 all along.  my hubby was going to go with me last time since the onc surgeon, dr b, told me about the mets (metastasis)... but my mom came down with shingles instead. 

i think the lack of kid free time, crazy hours for my honey, and feeling all alone while trying to figure out how to proceed has made me a very bitter bear today... i know anger is a normal step to grieving, but why now? why not right after the diagnosis? or 3 weeks ago when i first heard about the mets? why wake up today feeling like a fire breathing dragon (wishing i just breathe on & burn up some people)? and why do so many problems have to be money related? can't we just go back to barter & trade days? or a time when values meant anything besides just wasted breathe by the person expressing them?

for whatever reason- i am way more frustrated and angry today than i am on most other mornings.  then i turn into a weepy mess... and before anyone thinks- oh she must be pms ing... i am not.  i am just a wreck.  i have been trying so hard recently to get back my usually sunny disposition... but its like this damn disease stole that too...

Wishes...

i have so many wishes right now... a lot of them due to fears.  but instead of focusing on the negative like that... let me instead share the positives... i wish i had more understanding of medical jargon.  it seems all of these reports are filled with code i need deciphered.  thank goodness for the melanoma bulletin boards out there!!! her are two that i have found very useful, and usually comforting: http://www.melanoma.org/community/mpip-community-central   Melanoma Research Foundation
http://forum.melanomaintl.org/toastforums/toast.asp   Melanoma International Foundation

yet i still wish i knew more... i have a desire to learn more about fighting melanoma homeopathically.  but i can't afford an herbalist or DO (dr of osteopathy) which wikipedia explains: "Osteopathic medicine is considered by some in the United States to be both a profession and a social movement,^[7][8] especially for its historically greater emphasis on primary care and holistic health."  so i have been researching... but without the knowledge of medical jargon i am finding myself easily confused, or distracted.

which brings me to dandelions... my daughter calls them "wish flowers."  but i found a site that shows they are so much more: http://www.naturalherbsguide.com/dandelion.html  and honestly it looks great for me for a few different reasons... but then it says "Some individuals experience stomach pain because of hyperacidity."  and then i think of being recommended a book called The pH Miracle: From Acid to Alkaline... so do i want something that will increase acidity?!? i have no idea... and can't afford to run out and buy the book (i'm not even sure if it would answer that specific question anyhow).

then, there is a supplement i found... and it sounds fantastic! but i am a skeptical person... i used to be very trusting, always optimistic... but recently was burnt one too many times... i instantly became more cynical and pessimistic... but that is kinda off topic.  i was trying to explain interferon is a drug that is often treatment for stage 3 melanoma patients... and it scares the @#$% outta me.  you could have to give yourself home injections!!! i HATE needles! i used to say "if it's not leaving birth control, jewelry, or ink then get it away from me!" so when i found this supplement NutriFeron at http://www.shaklee.com/products.php?sku=20960
i was very excited, but curious too... is this too good to be true? is there validity to their claims?

what about the different teas out there? i would love to try sir jason winters tea, or read his book... again, money is the issue... but you can read about him here: http://www.sirjasonwinters.com/story.htm - i think the original & green tea flavors sound great... but pricey.  i was also told a little about essaic tea http://www.essiacinfo.org/ again hindered by money, and medicinal knowledge... i don't want to risk interactions... or decide to go with one treatment a pro would know i never should have tried...

my hubby asked me for a wish list for christmas... i laughed because its bascially just knowledge, supplements, teas, and UPF clothing.  those are the things i want for now... i am working towards a campaign for melanoma awareness already... so that wasn't something i could ask him for.  if any of you readers who happen upon my blog know anything about these things please comment... that knowledge will make some of my wishes come true...

Panic...

i am so proud of myself... i found a comic that ties together 3 of my posts...  "Procrastinistic...", "Calvin...", and, of course, this one -"Panic..."  and if you have read any of those posts you get the idea this comic sums me up decently.  yet, panic isn't only inspiration... it can be paralyzing fear.  in "Heliophobe..." and probably a few other posts i discuss my fear of the sun... especially during peak hours... well, i have about 3 hours to figure out how to seem normal to a bunch of kindergarteners while working the outside playdough craft area for their fall festival today.

i am thinking i will be going incognito... sunscreen a must... hat, sunglasses, long sleeves to cover up... but i do that every day i go out.  but i still avoid being outside during peak sun... then something like this comes along... and the festival is from 12:30pm - 2pm.  all the parents already know my story, i kinda had to share one day because i had become a weeping mess while attempting to drop little man off for school... but the kids are all between the ages of 4 yrs & 6 yrs old.  the only thing they will understand is how uncomfortable i appear being outside...

then there is the panic i feel about my overall health... i think i can handle anything... except the not knowing.  dr s has ordered the tests to be able to answer my questions... now the insurance needs to approve them.  i am hoping once they are scheduled i will feel some relief... then even more relief when the results are discussed with dr s.  but for now that leaves me with the panic of the unknown... not good for a woman with an overactive imagination like myself.

*update* more panic ensued that day... but my panic about being outside turned out to be unnecessary... when i arrived to little man's classroom they had decided to keep the playdough station indoors, and the popcorn station outside because it was messier.  so i let myself get worked up for nothing for 3 hrs... instead i discovered my breast had swelled in size since surgery... apparently normal after yanking lymph nodes from the underarm... even for guys, according to a fellow warrior.  i just hadn't noticed (because i hadnt worn a bra because of healing since surgery), so noticing 3 wks later really freaked me out.

on a positive note... i may not have been ready to talk with those girls yet, but i have been sharing my story with parents from my son's class... a lot of the parents take their kids to the park around the corner from the school right after class... and i think initially the moms started talking to me because they thought i was a little odd to be hiding in a corner of the playground... but that is the spot that is shaded by a large tree, i even sit there on cloudy days.  at any rate, i have shared my story with these women... many of them keep me in their prayers (which is comforting even if i can't exactly define my own beliefs), but one made an appointment and saw her dermatologist.  fortunately, her biopsy came back as "one of them i would need to worry about, but before i need to worry."  i asked if she wanted to bring her pathology report and i could see if i could decipher some, but i assumed that probably means it was an atypical nevus only mild to moderate.  we will see what happens.  either way it felt like a victory in the awareness department.  and it seemed to coincide with a fellow melanoma awareness blogggers victory.  so if we all keep spreading the message it will get out there...