Thursday, November 24, 2011

Something to Remember...


i know when you have alot to stress about this is harder to remember... but it is so true.  i have put myself into alot of bad situations in my life... but i am thankful for each them because i learned from them... including this damn disease.  i have heard it alot in the melanoma community... or any cancer community really... this disease gives you a new outlook on everything.  you find yourself getting irrate reading everyday posts on facebook where people are whining about the little things... i kinda feel like this disease blessed me with the wisdom of an 80 yr old woman that has learned what is truley important to her, and embraced it.  seriously, i get irrate at those mundane posts too... but then i find myself thankful for them because they remind me i know what i want in life now.  so i get frustrated by them less, and less...  think about telling an older woman bad news... they handle it well... and its not that they aren't upset by it... its like life has calloused them to hearing bad news... and the lucky ones have used that to learned to be thankful for everything that brought them to that point- the good and the bad...

i am lucky to have the family that i do... and the friends that over the years have become family.  especially my amazing hubby! he makes me speechless... we have been together since june 05 and he still gives me butterflies... he is so strong, and i wasnt when we met... i feel like his strength has just kinda worn off onto me... just by being with him i am stronger.  and i am human... so usually i show that by arguing with him.  sorry baby... it seems like every holiday we just want everything to be perfect so we argue.  he is the one who cooks for everything... i have only cooked for 1 holiday.  i know most women arent blessed with a husband who cooks anything for them, nevermind nearly everything!  at one point, the kids would not eat anything i made for dinner, or any meal really.  but if he made the same thing the kids would eat seconds... it was very frustrating, but i am so lucky those were my frustrations then. 

princess and little man spent the night with my parents last night... they will be returning home in time for thanksgiving dinner.  i am thankful that my parents help as much as they do! i have always heard "it takes a village to raise a child."  i agree, and am so thankful others in my life do too.  the kids love having nana and paw paw so active in their lives.  and it is very helpful to my hubby and me.  my hubby is a very involved parent, but he does work alot... so its nice to have back up when daddy is out earning to keep the roof over our heads.  and the little people i am so thankful for!!! i never thought i wanted kids when i was a younger adult... then i met my hubby... and i knew he would make an amazing dad, and help make me an amazing mom... not to brag, but i was right ;)

i am thankful for the friends that became family over the years.  i can call them up being a raving lunatic and they understand... and they help to calm me down.  i recently watched an episode of gilmore girls that showed the main characters best friend completely freaking out about her baby being past due... it was hysterical! and it made me think of a few of my friends that have been there for me when i was being insane... i am lucky to have them.  probably my closest friend is actually the farthest away... we will refer to her as "pretend" because princess always blames "pretend" for anything thats going to get her in trouble.  then we have auntie tiger here... but she is crazy busy with 2 jobs and life... when we do get time to catch up its like no time has lapsed since we last talked... and a couple other friends also back east that i miss dearly.  so many friends i am thankful for.

try not to lose sight of the spirit of this holiday all year long... i think that is the statement was i was fumbling on earlier... when i was rambling about an old lady.  i figure if you read this far maybe i should clarify that was what i was trying to say earlier.  and on that note... i am going to see how long it takes to get kicked outta my hubbys kitchen...  happy turkey day!!!

Friday, November 18, 2011

Bipolar...

i am feeling a little bipolar right now... i am a gemini- the twins... very fitting.  i certainly feel like different people at different times... maybe i am thinking of schizophrenia and not astrology... nah, i am sticking with the twin thing. :)

today i had my first PET/CT scan & my first MRI... lucky me.  i had to fast for one of the tests... to be honest, right now i cant remember which one.  its been a long day... back to the testing- the pet/ct scan is kinda like a geographic map of me... the technician said they scan my entire body, and the dye should locate any cancer... this was actually the last test i did today.  the first was a mri-wo-w (thats how it was written on their forms- i couldnt stop thinking that wow was ironic... even tho i knew it was intended as without contrast then with).  but they performed the mri on my brain to make sure it is cancer free.  and that machine is noisy! but since i grew up in a beach/bar town in san diego i have learned to relax even with loud obnoxious noises around me... a trick that came in handy in that machine... at one point it sounded like it was saying "twirly" over and over again... another (keep in mind i just finished school for motorcycle mechanics) it sounded like a loose cam chain, then valve float... oh! i almost forgot the best part about that noisy machine... since they were scanning my brain they strap my head in... i am not claustrophobic, but plastic mask-ish thing inches from my strapped in head was a little odd.  not to mention the fun of being stuck, not once, but both tests... and the mri "stuff" they injected tasted metallic and gross... the pet/ct "stuff" stunk like acetone (nail polish remover)... both techs said most people dont notice those pleasant side effects.  why am i always one of the lucky ones?

since next week is thanksgiving i have to wait til the week after to follow up with my dr.  that is when we will discuss treatment options... so far the only thing she has mentioned is interferon.  i dont like that idea.  but i guess we will see once we have these results.  maybe i am fortunate and they removed the mets when it was discovered... and that is the glimmer of hope i am trying to grasp onto right now.  the wait is gonna be rough tho... i hate not knowing- always have. 

then there is the bipolar feelings about that group Girl Talk... i wrote about in previous post by same name.  i really, really want to talk with them... but they meet thursdays at lunch.  my hubby works with my sons class kinder-garden at that time.  and i kinda want to know what is going on before talking with them.  it is just proving to be such a challenge right now... very frustrating because i see this as a chance to help spread the word, i just cant seem to actualize it now. 

back to the treatment ideas... i was talking to auntie tiger about everything (as usual)... of course treatment was one of the topics... and i told her i would rather agree to be a guinea pig for a trial than choose something i already know doesnt have the greatest track record and WILL make me sick.  i hadnt been able to put that into words prior to that conversation.  again, it doesnt matter right now... i need to wait for scan results in about 2 wks before we discuss any treatment.... have i mentioned how i hate waiting? :)

half the time i know i am repeating myself... the other half, please just bare with me... i wasnt exactly all here to begin with, but stress is not helping.  i get stress headaches, always have... but that is one reason the brain scan.  the other reason, is memory loss... but stress does that too - you obsess on, or freak out about something and everything else gets lost... i used to be so good with numbers, i could always remember appts, dates, phone, numbers, etc... now, ha! no more...

to me its crazy how everything is so cyclical... and by that, i mean these scans are just a portion of this journey so far... but a necessary step to move along to the next step... to me, that is cyclical because it feels never ending... and if i think circles, i think infinity... i think of the way my mind works in the first place.  alright, i think i am repeating myself again... time to go to bed for tonight...

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Exercise...

yesterday i went to the health food store... i always thought i ate pretty healthy.  i was a vegetarian for a decade... from 16 yrs old - 26 yrs old.  then i got pregnant with my little man.  we actually knew i was prego when my hubby, at that time my honey, asked "what do you want for dinner?" my response was "pork chops" and about 11 different side veggie side dishes... and since i hadn't wanted meat in so long it was a dead give away.  so even when i began eating meat again because my body was craving it i still was very cautious about what i ate.  i added a ton of white meat to my diet, but still very little red meat.

so shopping yesterday was an eye opening experience... i thought i ate healthy before... but since i have researched melanoma, and cancer in general, i have read about lots of foods that are better for me.  i bought most of them.  tons of fruits and veggies.  i even bought some naked juices... and i dont even like them, or at least i didnt when i tried them years ago.  i read somewhere pomegranates are really good for me... i dont like em, but i bought em... i am hoping to start juicing... my mom says she has a juicer.  and anyone reading this with some good recipes please comment with them.  i need direction... and since most people willing to give direction also want money i am trying to figure this out on my own... or with the help of you all.

beside the dietary changes i am also trying to make other lifestyle changes... but i have never excersiced for the sake of excersicing.  i was always an outdoor person.  i loved to go hiking... and i used to bicycle everywhere, including to and from work (4.44 miles one way) for about a year.  now i am afraid to go out during peak sun hours... so i am trying to figure out what i can do to get back into shape.  my little man just got a wii for his birthday this year... i was using it alot before surgery... but since they sliced both underarms i haven't found any motivation to try it again.  i am hoping to start that soon, and maybe even upgrade from just wii sports to actually using wii fit.  the only problem with that is we dont own a wii fit... but i have a friend who does, and i am hoping to borrow it.

this is my newest scar... since the resection.  i didnt get pics of the snlb sites yet,
i have been waiting til they heal more.

any suggestions on juicing or indoor excersize would be amazing... i need guidance... in the meantime, i make due by aimlessly looking all over the internet.  so far i think i am doing my best to make these changes... but if anyone can help with some motivation or ideas it is appreciated... thanks in advance... as you can see i have good reason for wanting indoor options for excersize.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Anger...

i woke up this morning... and i am not a morning person to begin with... i am still exhausted from halloween.  so i am even more cranky than usual... the morning did not go well in my house.  and that just seems to flavor the day...

my hubby has started his new job, been there about a month... right after he started one of his co-workers got hit by a car.  so my honey has been working crazy hours again... we thought that would stop when he changed jobs, but it didnt exactly work out that way.  he is feeling "overworked", for lack of a better description... don't get me wrong, we need the money... and he is very aware of that, and willing to do everything in his power to change it... but i think that is the real stress stretching him so thin.  since we got together in the first place we have been struggling... first it was my dui that strained us financially, then he injured his back at work... and so many more reasons since then.  needless to say, my cancer diagnosis didn't relieve any stress... financial or otherwise.

we have 2 small kids... princess is 3 1/2 yrs old... little man is 5 yrs old.  anyone with kids knows that they are still at an age that they are very reliant on mom & dad.  which is difficult on any relationship... especially one with other contributing factors to the stress level.  my mom is our usual babysitter... but she has been having health issues also.  not only is she dealing with her heart issues, she has had shingles... so, not only have we been craving normal kid free time, but just any kid free time.  i had to go to my onc, dr s, alone... which i have been doing all along, but i wasnt stage 3 all along.  my hubby was going to go with me last time since the onc surgeon, dr b, told me about the mets (metastasis)... but my mom came down with shingles instead. 

i think the lack of kid free time, crazy hours for my honey, and feeling all alone while trying to figure out how to proceed has made me a very bitter bear today... i know anger is a normal step to grieving, but why now? why not right after the diagnosis? or 3 weeks ago when i first heard about the mets? why wake up today feeling like a fire breathing dragon (wishing i just breathe on & burn up some people)? and why do so many problems have to be money related? can't we just go back to barter & trade days? or a time when values meant anything besides just wasted breathe by the person expressing them?

for whatever reason- i am way more frustrated and angry today than i am on most other mornings.  then i turn into a weepy mess... and before anyone thinks- oh she must be pms ing... i am not.  i am just a wreck.  i have been trying so hard recently to get back my usually sunny disposition... but its like this damn disease stole that too...