Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Anger...

i woke up this morning... and i am not a morning person to begin with... i am still exhausted from halloween.  so i am even more cranky than usual... the morning did not go well in my house.  and that just seems to flavor the day...

my hubby has started his new job, been there about a month... right after he started one of his co-workers got hit by a car.  so my honey has been working crazy hours again... we thought that would stop when he changed jobs, but it didnt exactly work out that way.  he is feeling "overworked", for lack of a better description... don't get me wrong, we need the money... and he is very aware of that, and willing to do everything in his power to change it... but i think that is the real stress stretching him so thin.  since we got together in the first place we have been struggling... first it was my dui that strained us financially, then he injured his back at work... and so many more reasons since then.  needless to say, my cancer diagnosis didn't relieve any stress... financial or otherwise.

we have 2 small kids... princess is 3 1/2 yrs old... little man is 5 yrs old.  anyone with kids knows that they are still at an age that they are very reliant on mom & dad.  which is difficult on any relationship... especially one with other contributing factors to the stress level.  my mom is our usual babysitter... but she has been having health issues also.  not only is she dealing with her heart issues, she has had shingles... so, not only have we been craving normal kid free time, but just any kid free time.  i had to go to my onc, dr s, alone... which i have been doing all along, but i wasnt stage 3 all along.  my hubby was going to go with me last time since the onc surgeon, dr b, told me about the mets (metastasis)... but my mom came down with shingles instead. 

i think the lack of kid free time, crazy hours for my honey, and feeling all alone while trying to figure out how to proceed has made me a very bitter bear today... i know anger is a normal step to grieving, but why now? why not right after the diagnosis? or 3 weeks ago when i first heard about the mets? why wake up today feeling like a fire breathing dragon (wishing i just breathe on & burn up some people)? and why do so many problems have to be money related? can't we just go back to barter & trade days? or a time when values meant anything besides just wasted breathe by the person expressing them?

for whatever reason- i am way more frustrated and angry today than i am on most other mornings.  then i turn into a weepy mess... and before anyone thinks- oh she must be pms ing... i am not.  i am just a wreck.  i have been trying so hard recently to get back my usually sunny disposition... but its like this damn disease stole that too...

1 comment:

  1. I must have missed something somewhere. Are you Stage 3, or 4? And do you have mets, if so where and what kind of treatment are you going to do?

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