Friday, October 28, 2011

Panic...

i am so proud of myself... i found a comic that ties together 3 of my posts...  "Procrastinistic...", "Calvin...", and, of course, this one -"Panic..."  and if you have read any of those posts you get the idea this comic sums me up decently.  yet, panic isn't only inspiration... it can be paralyzing fear.  in "Heliophobe..." and probably a few other posts i discuss my fear of the sun... especially during peak hours... well, i have about 3 hours to figure out how to seem normal to a bunch of kindergarteners while working the outside playdough craft area for their fall festival today.

i am thinking i will be going incognito... sunscreen a must... hat, sunglasses, long sleeves to cover up... but i do that every day i go out.  but i still avoid being outside during peak sun... then something like this comes along... and the festival is from 12:30pm - 2pm.  all the parents already know my story, i kinda had to share one day because i had become a weeping mess while attempting to drop little man off for school... but the kids are all between the ages of 4 yrs & 6 yrs old.  the only thing they will understand is how uncomfortable i appear being outside...

then there is the panic i feel about my overall health... i think i can handle anything... except the not knowing.  dr s has ordered the tests to be able to answer my questions... now the insurance needs to approve them.  i am hoping once they are scheduled i will feel some relief... then even more relief when the results are discussed with dr s.  but for now that leaves me with the panic of the unknown... not good for a woman with an overactive imagination like myself.

*update* more panic ensued that day... but my panic about being outside turned out to be unnecessary... when i arrived to little man's classroom they had decided to keep the playdough station indoors, and the popcorn station outside because it was messier.  so i let myself get worked up for nothing for 3 hrs... instead i discovered my breast had swelled in size since surgery... apparently normal after yanking lymph nodes from the underarm... even for guys, according to a fellow warrior.  i just hadn't noticed (because i hadnt worn a bra because of healing since surgery), so noticing 3 wks later really freaked me out.

on a positive note... i may not have been ready to talk with those girls yet, but i have been sharing my story with parents from my son's class... a lot of the parents take their kids to the park around the corner from the school right after class... and i think initially the moms started talking to me because they thought i was a little odd to be hiding in a corner of the playground... but that is the spot that is shaded by a large tree, i even sit there on cloudy days.  at any rate, i have shared my story with these women... many of them keep me in their prayers (which is comforting even if i can't exactly define my own beliefs), but one made an appointment and saw her dermatologist.  fortunately, her biopsy came back as "one of them i would need to worry about, but before i need to worry."  i asked if she wanted to bring her pathology report and i could see if i could decipher some, but i assumed that probably means it was an atypical nevus only mild to moderate.  we will see what happens.  either way it felt like a victory in the awareness department.  and it seemed to coincide with a fellow melanoma awareness blogggers victory.  so if we all keep spreading the message it will get out there...

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