Remember When...

i guess that is only half true... i kinda always knew i would end up a cancer patient.  it runs so rampant in my family.  i just didn't expect it to be so soon... i thought i would be old like the rest of my family was when they were diagnosed... and for the record 32 yrs old is NOT old... neither is 31 yrs old- which is how old i was when i got my diagnosis.  honestly, being in your 50's and 60's doesn't even seem so old anymore...

i keep thinking of the movie Bucket List... i always thought it would be simple to come up a list of must do's before dying... now that i am older i don't feel that way anymore... maybe if i was even older like morgan freeman or jack nicholson i might... but instead, now i all i want is to see my kids grow... my hubby walk our daughter down the aisle... and the other things too many people take for granted. 

right now i am torn on how to proceed... i know i speak with my onc dr s tomorrow... she will give her input.  but ultimately the decision is mine.  i am trying to make major dietary & exercise changes... trying to decide if i can skip harsher treatments (ie. interferon or other chemo).  i know my hubby thinks i need to do what the drs say... but i know their suggestions will be to rev up my immune system, and i can do that naturally with out poisoning myself too.  but this is a HUGE decision... so i will continue to obsess over it until i finally decide.

i always thought only the good die young... and i never thought of myself as that good... and i know this is not a certain death sentence.  in fact, i know i want to fight! i am just not sure on how... so in the meantime i hope to speak with the girl talk group and start fighting by educating others... they meet on thursdays, so this week is out... but maybe next will work.  i also contacted Melanoma Research Foundation for help with informational brochures... they are sending me a package.  so i will focus on that for now... no need to stress trying to make a decision without all the info.