Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Lame...

that is how i am feeling... it is wednesday and i was supposed to talk with the girl talk group tomorrow.  i was all ready to do this... then i found out my cancer is more advanced than thought.  at first, i was all the more ready... then my onc, dr s, ordered more tests (pet scan & brain mri).  i have mentioned before i hate waiting... which is really kinda ironic considering i am "Procrastinistic..."  but i feel like i am being obsessive.  i just want to know where i stand.  i think alot of you will agree that the unknown is the hardest part.  once we have some answers we can come up with a game plan.

for now i feel like a hypochondriac... seriously every ache and pain scares the *bleep* out of me... dr b, my onc surgeon, says the pains i have been experiencing in my arms since surgery are nerve pain... and he could not say when it might dissipate... more uncertainty... by now, you would think i would be used to this but i am not.  i have always known drs "practice" medicine because it is not an exact science.  unfortunately that doesn't make it suck any less.  

i spoiled my kids... as i think everyone with kids should... they have always known how much their mama loves them... even when i get pissed off and yell at them i accompany that with an i love you... so it is my own fault that my kids turned our bed into a family bed.  never really bothered me before may... sure it was slightly inconvienent when my hubby and i wanted "adult time" but we are creative and always seemed to find a way around that issue.  but the surgeries is another story... my kids want to snuggle as usual and i can't... otherwise i wake up like i did this morning... sore, achey, tired, and cranky... feeling very lame.  if my body were not betraying me i would be able to snuggle my munchkins...

more uncertainty... i am hoping once the tests are scheduled i will feel a little more normal... or as close to normal as i ever get... then i can reschedule talking with those girls about the dangers of melanoma... i really think that will be helpful to my sanity.  just not while i feel like i am being driven insane by uncertainty.  i don't want them to dismiss my message because i am a wreck while i deliver it...  lets hope tests are scheduled soon, the girls get the message about being sun safe, and i stop feeling lame- both, physically and emotionally...

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