Another Call...

i am begining to not like my phone anymore... i keep getting these calls that make me be responsible.  today it was from the hospital.  they are having the surgical nurses call for a phone consult next tuesday.  then they can go over everything with me.  but i did find out that i will be asleep according to the woman who called today. 

i guess i will know more after tuesday...

but now that i know i will be asleep i am no where near as nervous as i was.  i had wanted my hubby to go with me because i thought i was going to be awake like i was last time... and no one can make me laugh or feel better the way he does.  granted, my mom is also willing to go with me, can make me laugh and has always been there, but its not the same...  i had made a stance, demanding my hubby by my side... then the call came letting me know i was being put to sleep and i tried to let him off the hook.  i thought he would be pleased, but i think it was actually frustration.  i made him deal with this with me... and then like someone flipped a switch i am letting him off the hook.  we have talked alot about this... he is as scared as i am.

but we know we are doing everything we can.  so that helps some.  and i hope he realizes why i seem even more bi-polar than normal.  i know he does... just with everything going on i lose sight of that sometimes.  i am truly blessed to have him by my side. 

and my parents are also awesome to have... they have been helping with babysitting whenever they can.  and they have always been there.  just waiting for me to wake up and become the responsible "young" (even if i don't feel young) woman they raised me to be.  over the last 6yrs i have definetly made some improvments... i thought sobriety matured me, but in reality - not really.  but i certainly feel this has... i can't be selfish, even tho i may wanna be at times.  i can't pretend none of this is really happening.  i have to deal with it.  i have to think of everyone else involved in my life. 

i think that is my silver lining out of this awful experience... i am finally learning to deal with the bad, as well as the good.  i even called a bill collector to explain why i couldn't pay them... before i would have just dodged their phone calls.  ignored thier letters.  and when they started calling my parents house looking for me i would tell mom to tell them "she is an adult, and does NOT live here."  partially true, i don't live there... but the whole "adult" part i wasn't so sure of.  but now i know i am working on it... calling bill collectors, trying to not be so judgemental, and talking instead of yelling. 

so remaining optimistic... maybe melanoma will help me to become a more mature and responsible member of society.  i guess that only time will tell...