Friday, September 9, 2011

Cancelled...

power went out all over southern california yesterday... didn't come back on til somewhere around 3:30 am... so it was out for roughly 12 hrs.  normally that wouldn't bother me a bit... it was a long time ago, but i am from CT where weather causes power outages frequently... but today was supposed to be my surgery.  it was cancelled.  that bothers the f*** outta me... i can't say i was ready for it, but i was as ready as i will probably ever be.  keep in mind that a few weeks ago i went for this second opinion thinking i was just going to blow this off.  then he said he saw "satellite" growth... and they were going to rush me in for surgery before my son started school (which happened tuesday of this week)... they tried to schedule for the day of his kindergarten orientation, i didn't let them... i've been double guessing myself for that decision since... saving questions to ask, waiting for today... now it's just more uncertainty...

more waiting... i'm not so good with waiting... trying to be... not very succesful at it tho.  my positive lining for this is that school was cancelled... so no morning assembly to learn the school song missed!!! for today, anyway... but little man does have a rash, no good... it could be just the heat with no power combined with the chlorine from the few minutes we sat with our feet in the pool (of our apt complex) when he would not stop splashing... just checked on him soaking in tub and it seems to be going away... good news! probably was just the heat...

surgery being cancelled sucks major @$$ tho. i was ready just to get this over with.  i have been so anxious since this all started in MAY... finally started to get distracted by life... was not expecting second opinion was going to happen with my insurance... definetely wasn't expecting to hear anything about satellite growth... and who expects a 12 hr power outtage that blankets southern california? seriously... i will have the pre-surgery anxiety until i get a new surgery date scheduled... or until it's done.  i hope it's only until it's scheduled.  time will tell...

and my questions... 1) mole was biopsied, pa said complex nevi not atypical... now it's very DARK... after it had healed pale... 2) satellite- can only be confirmed via pathology, right? might not even be more melanoma... 3) when can i start taking vitamins? my nails are getting ridges in them... they haven't done that since i got sober, think i am lacking serious nutrients for this to be happening.... and i know i have more questions i can't remember right now... i know, i should have a medical notebook for these questions, but i don't yet...

i got into a fight with almost everyone this morning... i am NOT a morning person... and i have been dealing with some major anxiety over all this, especially surgery... i was lashing out... oops.  but, at the same time, i think that should have been understood... everyone around me knows of my recent anxieties... it's hard to miss... and they also know i am NOT a morning person... so it goes with the pattern to guess the morning of surgery i might be in rare form... i am scared to death... not thinking straight... don't know if the others involved will realize that... i can hope...

back to the waiting... i will write again when i know more... or if i need to vent again... (coming soon: rant about my son have slight sunburn... then rash...???)

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