but that short conversation got me thinking... what am i? that's when i discovered i am a heliphobe. according to wikipedia-
Heliophobia has two meanings:
- in psychology, heliophobia refers to a morbid fear of sunlight.
- in medicine, heliophobia (more commonly photophobia) refers to an excessive sensitivity to sunlight.
trying to focus on the silver lining... i have learned some valuable lessons about being so judgemental. you never know what someone else is going through. people now look at me like i used to look at others, like no good drug addicts in the midst of their addictions. i suppose i was always so judgemental because of my past... i used to try almost anything... and if i liked it i was doing it until i didnt like it anymore... but in 2005 i changed that. i sobered up... and when i did i became very judgemental and intolerant. i had gone down the path towards destroying and alienating everything i cared about. and i had no patience for others still on that path. i would judge people on their surfaces, never taking the time to hear their stories... i have since vowed to work on that... its no fun being judged for something that is happening to you, that you have little control over. and to look at me, you wont see anything wrong. you might see my scar... but will probably have no idea what caused it.
you might see some signs of heliophobia if you know what it is... people a few shades paler because of so much sunblock, large brimmed hats, long sleeve shirts on sunny days, etc... again, i know i used to look at those people and assume they were tourists (because i live in gorgeous sunny san diego ca). but now i am one of them... again getting those disapproving looks i used to give... please- before judging like i did, think about it... not everything is so black & white. you never know what is going on in that gray area...
a couple of weeks ago i was finally getting past that fear. i had actually gone out twice forgetting a long sleeve shirt or sunscreen. when i realized i didn't panic, i was just cautious about sun exposure. then the call came from the new surgeon. and the fear came back with a vengeance when he mentioned "satellite" growth. i have an appointment for friday sept. 9th to perform the resection (wle) and snlb. they told me to be there for 9am, and be prepared to be there until 6pm. i am not looking to forward to it. plus, as i got out of the shower, i noticed one mole that was taken off for biopsy is now coming in very DARK... but i am doing everything i can to fight this, and get over my fears. i am hoping that after i pass through the treatment phase i will be able to relax again, but only time will tell...