frustration...

today is melanoma monday... lots of awareness efforts focus on today... last year there was a battle over color... someone was using an orange ribbon to promote awareness... but in the melanoma community the black ribbon represents us... i think the color war might have clouded some important efforts... with my kids i am a helicopter parent- meaning i am always hovering over them waiting for teachable moments... i used to get very upset with my hubby for not doing things the way i would do them... then my sis in law gave me some advice- allow the help, even if its not done the way you would choose to do it... that is what i think happened with the color war- instead of joining forces we split the message... does that make sense? saturday i participated in the AIM at Melanoma 5k... it was my second year... last year was just in october, but that was before we left CA... i was pleased to meet one of the women i have made friends with online... sad, i missed one of the others... i was amazed that i was able to complete the walk in less than an hour this year (not much less, but still)... in october of last year it took me almost 3 hrs to complete the 5k- i think that has a lot to do with the fact i finished treatment in february of last year... my body was still tired when october rolled around... but this year, with a possible broken toe and my kids walking, my time was more where i felt it should be... here in texas the weather is far different than this southern california girl is use to... the day of the walk was high 80's- 90's... my new melahomie saw i was wearing long sleeves under my survivor shirt and asked "girl, aren't you hot?" well, yes i was more than hot... i thought i might have been melting... but i am still scared... of everything and anything outdoors- especially between the hours of 10am-4pm... i know i was one of the most dressed people there... but i don't know when i will ever be able to be comfortable in tank tops and shorts again... i haven't exposed my legs in almost 3yrs... i was proud of myself for wearing a skirt around the house with no leggings- and that was just last week... also this week, i went without an overshirt for the first time... i know i have come a lot farther than i make it sound... but wish i could feel normal again... the first pic was my original tumor site... the second was my picc line, i had for the 1st 6 weeks of treatment- the insurance only covered it for high dose when i was at the cancer center daily... after that i just got poked and proded a lot... but after having these experiences i have a hard time holding onto hope that someday i will fell normal again...